Song I can’t stop listening to is Unchanging by Chris Tomlin.

Last night was a hard night. I was lying on my bed listening to my iPod, and If You Could Read My Mind, by Gordon Lightfoot came on. I was overwhelmed by thoughts of my dad. I was thinking a wide range of thoughts. First was how much my dad liked Burton Cummings, and I was thinking about the impact my dad’s love of music had on me. And I thought about how he looked before he died. Like death. He was a shell of who he once was. I thought about the conversations we shared before he died. They were mostly empty, we talked about sports, about the last episode of The Rockford Files we had watched days prior. We didn’t say we loved each other. We didn’t know when our last conversation would be, and we didn’t say anything profound. I have to believe we both knew we loved each other. You just can’t live your life holding onto to regrets, and acts & words unsaid. Right?

My dad was pretty funny, and he loved to wrestle with my brother & I. It scared Geoff the first time he came over for dinner, and there my dad & Colin are attacking each other. He was always testing me on his music, who sings what song as we listened to oldies music. Wherever we went, he would always ask.

He wasn’t a perfect dad, it hurt me a lot that he never came to see me in the States. It hurt that he would always say he was going to, when I knew he wouldn’t. But we are all imperfect, and I’m sure I made choices that hurt him too. But you only have one dad, and I will miss him for a very long time. I feel blessed that I have my mom, and we have a great relationship. I have my brother Colin & I have his wife Dawn. I have Geoff who is so supportive of the emotional rollercoaster I’m riding. I have great in-laws. And I have my step-mom Debbie, who is suffering much more than me. It’s been years since I lived with my dad, and she lived with him for the last 6 or 7 years. Most of all I have our Lord & God Jesus Christ, who walks with me through this valley. Who walks with my dad right now.

Whoa. I didn’t mean to get so deep. I just needed to I guess. I’m going to close with some lyrics from If You Could Read My Mind, and a quote from Scrooged, which was on tv last night. It’s in my top 5 Christmas Movies.

And if you read between the lines

You’ll know that I’m just tryin’ to understand

The feelings that you lack

I never thought I could feel this way

And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it

I don’t know where we went wrong

But the feelings gone

And I just can’t get it back

-Gordon Lightfoot

Frank Cross: I never liked a girl well enough to give her 12 sharp knives.

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